the wrong prescription

      The first love you were given was the wrong prescription. Fancy pad with antsy letterhead, squinting eyes over cheap reading glasses, a too-short analysis and a lazy diagnosis. Then the outdated drug and no follow up appointment. And because girls are told to chase their prey before developing their tastebuds, I got hooked on a love I mistook for a delicacy, when it was just a continental breakfast at a shitty motel restaurant. And that was just being served in the school cafeteria. never mind what wasn’t cooked in my home kitchen.

      When you chase a parent’s love, when it’s big portions on monday and halved on tuesday, when the dessert isn’t guaranteed, when you learn to tell your appetite not to get its hopes up, when you are told that love is not unconditional you will believe starving for it is normal, and normal is safety, and safety we crave like candy, like a high, even if it gives us cavities, even if it leaves us with graveled knees, even when you’re sure you can’t be a feminist and desperate all at once, even when you’re too smart to be stupid, even when you think you know what a balanced meal looks like, even when you’re sure the pain is worth it if it’s for love.

      Oh sweet girl you never had a choice but to fall love in with a man who tasted like home.

      Until. the right doctor, the right therapist, the long sessions, detailed analysis, family history, and patience.

      Oh, when the right prescription comes.

      No high highs, no low lows. no come downs, no numbing, no gutting. no calorie counting, no skipping meals, no stomach grumbles. no bingeing, overstuffed, clean plate club. Stocked fridge, food on the table, dessert if you want it. no hunger to fill. no high to chase. The fullness, the balance, the unconditional? Fucking farm to table. food so fresh your eyes water. Sometimes so new your palette says you do not like it. Because when you are halfway fed for so long, it will take longer to trust that the whole meal is what you deserve. When you believe that conditional is safety, unconditional will feel like the opposite.

      but our tastebuds change.
      and medicine
      takes time
      to kick in.